To My Darling Boy
A year ago, on 1 September 2020, we buried my son Isaac. Standing in front of a packed room reading his eulogy was the hardest thing I have ever done. This is what I said to the love of my life:
To my darling boy, my fat fat, my bubbalou, my heart and soul,
How can I possibly put into words everything that you mean to me or begin to describe the gaping hole that has forever been left in my heart? Absolutely nothing I write will ever be remotely adequate.
My Darling Boy, you did not come easily to us. Your Daddy and I waited a long time for you to enter our lives, we lost another little boy before you and your delivery was long, difficult and quite scary. After all of this, when you were finally placed in my arms I felt like you were an absolute miracle. Every single day that you were with us — for two years and three months — affirmed my belief that you were a true gift. You brought into our lives such joy, such laughter and such love, unlike anything that I have ever experienced. Every day I watched with wonder as you grew and developed, as your beautiful personality began to take shape and as you discovered the world around you with such curiosity. I often wondered how I was so lucky to have a child who was so incredibly intelligent, confident, brave, outgoing, and above all, so loving.
My Darling Boy, I could fill pages and pages describing everything that I love about you, recounting all of the ways you made me smile, all of the special moments that we shared and all of the ways I was so immensely proud of you, but I will mention a few of the things that brought me the most joy.
First, I absolutely loved your cheeky personality. You reminded me of your great grandfather Opa — unbelievably intelligent but also super cheeky. Right from when you were a little baby, we could tell you had spunk and you absolutely loved making people laugh. On our last night together as I was reading your bedtime story — always one of my favourite moments of the day — you started blowing raspberries on my leg. Being extremely ticklish, I couldn’t stop laughing and I will always remember how you looked so pleased with yourself at being able to make me laugh so hard, so much so that I couldn’t get you to stop.
While I adored all of these moments together, and took every opportunity to spend as much time with you as possible, another thing that I loved was watching the relationship between you and your Daddy develop. While you came to me for cuddles and sympathy, you emulated your Daddy. You were his mini-me in every way and I could see you were going to be best buddies. You already shared a love of food, Star Wars and dancing and you eagerly followed your Daddy’s lead in any way. He taught you how to kick a soccer ball and how to do a victory lap around the living room when you scored a goal — of course you insisted we join you, shouting “Daddy, run, Mummy run!” You soon began to copy everything your Daddy had to say, leading you to frequently use the expression “Oh God”, complete with a slap to your forehead. Your Daddy began to use your desire to copy him to his advantage, teaching you to mimic my alleged snoring on the one hand, and to call him a hero when he changed your nappy on the other. The relationship between you and your Daddy was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and filled me with such joy.
Above all though my Darling Boy, what I loved most about you was your affectionate nature. Right from when you were little you loved to show people affection. Your daycare teachers often commented that you would always give them a big hug and on more than one occasion you bowled over an unsuspecting little friend by running up to give them a big hug and accidentally knocking them to the ground in your enthusiasm. But it was with your Daddy and I that you were the most affectionate. There was nothing like coming home and hearing you scream with delight as you ran towards me with open arms for a big hug. You were never clingy, in fact your adventurous nature often made us nervous, but you would often spontaneously stop whatever game you were playing, run over to give me a hug and a kiss, and then go back to your game. On one of our last weekends together you weren’t feeling 100% and you just wanted to spend the morning on my lap. While my legs began to cramp and my arms grew tired, I treasured every minute you sat with your head against my chest, your little arms wrapped around me.
You thought a Mummy hug could fix anything and knowing that I would never deny you a hug, you began to try and use it to get out of doing things, saying “Mummy hug?” and wrapping yourself around me like a little koala to try and get out of getting dressed or having a bath. You truly thought it was the solution to everything.
My Darling Boy, I am so sorry that a Mummy hug couldn’t protect you from the blast or save you from your injuries. I am so sorry that due to my own injuries, I couldn’t be with you, holding you in my arms and telling you how much I love you, as you took your last breath. You have given me the greatest gift that I have ever received — the gift of being your mother and the two years and three months you were with us were truly the happiest of my life. I would have done anything to protect you, and I hope you will forgive me for not being able to do so.
I used to be scared of death, but I now know that I will face it without fear because it means that I will be able to see you again and hold you in my arms. My Darling Boy, I hope you understand that I have to stay here for now to look after your little brother, but I promise that I will join you one day and I will give you a lifetime of Mummy hugs. Until then, please know that I will never stop loving you and missing you with every fibre of my being. I will leave you with the words I used to whisper every single night as I put you to bed. Your Daddy and I love you to the moon and back a million times over and we are just outside if you need us for anything.
Sweet dreams my darling boy and bonne nuit.
Originally published at http://sarah-yvonne.com on September 1, 2021.
